Loss

It is amazing how much we fear loss. Loss, of any kind, is scary enough for us to banish any thought of it, right to the dark nether world inside our mind, never to be heard from again. But we are rarely successful, as these thoughts lurk in the background and are just waiting for a chance to burst out and go “Bhoooo” and rub it in our faces saying “I told you so”.

It is understandable though, because with Loss of any kind, be it of a loved one or a material thing, we feel pain or we grieve. Broken heart, broken ego, broken relationship, broken self worth, pain, grief, embarrassment, fear, uncertainty and humiliation, all side effects of loss. So who in their sane mind wouldn’t fear loss? No one wants to lead a morose life now, do we?

But the effect of Loss is different in different circumstances for different people. Imagine a hunter or an abattoir worker, death of an animal is but a consequence of what they do. Now imagine the same person as a pet owner, death of their pet now is personal, painful and thus a loss. That is the beauty of loss; it is painful only when it is personal. We go through our lives with the very things we are afraid of, happening to others, all around us, yet we are impervious to it. It becomes real only when it manifests itself in our lives.

The other thing about loss is how differently we react to it, from maniacal suicidal tendencies to a mere shrug of the shoulders and the raising of the eyebrows. Our reactions are determined by the type of loss, i.e. the grief felt, and the assumed impact of the loss. I say assumed, not because it is not real, but because it is always over emphasised due to the personal nature (mine, ours etc.) of the loss.

The impact and the grief felt due to Loss fades and reduce with time. As they say, time is a great healer. Loss is also a great teacher. We realise the true value of something only when it is taken away from us. To have and then not to have makes us realise how much we had. Therein lays the biggest power of loss. With loss comes lessons, and with lessons comes wisdom. It provides us new courage, it makes us believe and overcome adversity. It helps us to forgive, repent, accept and let go, thus making us better human beings.

Does the joy of owning a material thing or knowing a person or being associated with something exceed the grief caused by losing it or does the grief outweigh the joy? Can we ever know this? So should a thing we can never ascertain decide on how we act or behave or lead our lives? Should we be scared of loss in our quest to create a perfect happy and secure life?

Loss comes from the changes happening around us and as we know change is but inevitable. So shouldn’t we accept Loss as par for the course and come to accept and embrace it? May be if we do, we can be ourselves, without the fear of loss, maybe then people can see us for who we really are. Imagine if we open ourselves to new experiences and situations with no fear of loss, imagine the lessons we would learn, the characters we could develop and the future we could have, all because we willingly accept loss as a part of our development process.

Loss should mean a new beginning and not a sad ending.

The Path of Least Resistance

The other day my friend said “Well, I had no reason to say no, hence I said yes”, a reasonable answer and one that most people give, to explain their apparent lack of choice in most matters. This got me thinking, is it true that in most cases we don’t have a choice and we take up the “only” available option? Or is it that we simply choose not to choose?? How often have we chosen the path of least resistance in our life? How much of our life is by "Default" and not by "Design"? How often have our circumstances and society defined our paths and choices for us?

It is a commonly accepted fact that the shortest distance between any two points is a straight line. But just because the path is the shortest, doesn’t mean it’s the oft taken one. Look at any river; it meanders its way through the landscape, from its origin to its end, a river rarely takes the shortest path to the sea. It takes the path of least resistance, the easy path, which is determined by the lay of the land. The river takes this path, albeit a meandering one, so that it expends the least energy.

Therein lies the irony; the shortest path does not necessarily mean the easiest, but we always seek the easiest and the safest path and thus a meandering path. I look back at my life and I find it riddled with incidents or events, which have occurred because I chose the path of least resistance, because I decided to go with the flow. Taking the short cuts, accepting the norms and being lazy and lethargic. My life was “OK” so why mess with a good thing? that was my point of view. I did it because of inertia, because of my unwillingness to question the status quo and here I am surprised by the result, shocked at where i find myself. This “Fear of Success” has driven me to accept mediocrity in my life. I have come to accept the compromises, the adjustments and the “OK” nature of it all, just to avoid responsibility of choosing a path, while all along convincing myself that this is the only option.

Well look around us and we find successful companies being driven by visions and goals, with review mechanisms in place to track and manage success and we all work in these companies and know of these mechanisms, but we rarely make it work for us. How often do we plan, achieve and make the tough, but the right choices in our life and how much of our life happens because we choose the easy option i.e. the "Only Option"??

It is hard for us to design our life and easy to let it happen to us by default. For when we choose the path, we then become responsible for the path and its outcome, which is scary because then we will have only ourselves to blame. Responsibilities and expectations daunt us. By claiming something we become visible and we stand out from the rest and that is something we fight against all our life. We want to blend in, not stand out. We are programmed to behave, to obey, to conform and not be different. Fears are instilled in us, fate and destiny are thrown at us, religion, retribution and hell is added into the mix in as well. It’s no wonder we are afraid to challenge, design and believe.

As Robert Frost said,
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference

So maybe we need to choose our own path, a path not defined by ease, but by belief. Cut through the forest, climb the mountains and conquer the fear, because sometimes the hardest path is also the most rewarding, fulfilling and also the shortest. The risk of being “unrisky” and doing OK is more dangerous than the risk of choosing your path and failing.

What Will They “THINK” of Me?

This is a statement that drives most of us during our lifetime. But I have staunchly opposed this philosophy for a good part of my life. I fancied myself as a rebel, someone who controlled his destiny, someone who was not afraid to do things my way. But with age comes mortality, a limit to your otherwise unlimited thinking. Over the last few years I have fallen into the “think like the masses” trap. My actions, my views and my life have slowly but surely, started to revolve around “What will they “Think” of me?”

I wake up each morning with this image I have to live up to. My actions for the day, my thoughts and my behavior are all centered on one thing – being accepted. Ever patient, ever smiling and affable at all times, all just to belong, just to be part of a society. But in this run to be accepted, in this run to belong, I have forgotten the people that matter, my love ones, my friends and family. Why?? Because they are friends and family, hence they should know, they should understand my behavior, and after all, it’s only “family & friends” we will get over it. I have good and valid reasons for the way I behave so why can’t they accept it. And hey, I can’t be cheerful and affable at all times can I? I need to unwind and what better place than home, or with friends, where I can offload all my tragedies and know that they will support me.

But on my journey to be a well accepted social being, I have hurt my loved ones the most. Always making demands of them but never giving them anything and wondering why they are so stiff and un-understanding. Why is it that we hurt the people we love the most, those that matter the most to you and are the closest to you? Why? I have never found the answer.

The irony is that in my quest to please “society”, I constantly answer the “What will they “Think” of me?” question. But the answer is my interpretation of what I think the “society” wants and hence I behave in a pattern that suits. I hope you are following my logic here, because the way “I” act is based on “MY” interpretation of what “I” think the society expects from me. There is no truth, no logic and no proof as to what I am doing/behaving is exactly as I am expected to, and therein lays the tragedy of my life. In my eagerness to please everyone, I have stopped being myself, I have forgotten what my loved ones expect from me and I have forgotten as to what I want from myself.

A life so misguided, shambolic and rudderless that it’s driven by impressions, perceptions and interpretations of what I think it should be, not what I want it to be or what it should actually be. Always scared to break the mould, lest I be recognized and singled out, but not too happy in the cocoon I have surrounded myself with; such has been my story the last few years. Mine has been a life with no goals, ambitions or a sense of achievement.
This is not a gripe about my life, but a confession of a life gone awry but this is not redemption either. I have destroyed a thousand bridges with my family and friends and it will be an arduous task rebuilding them. Relationships that took me years to develop and painstakingly build, I have destroyed in a matter of months, all in a quest to live an “interpretation of the right life”. My inability to face my fear of rejection from the society has culminated in a life filled with hurting and paining my love ones.

Where is redemption I ask? What will set right the unforgivable mistakes of my life? What is done is done and I don’t want to dwell on the what-if scenarios. In my journey the last few years, I had forgotten the most important “They” in the equation. “They” being my loved ones, the only people that matter to me and they should be the ones I should think about and worry about and lead my life for.

Procrastination

pro·cras·ti·nate (pr -kr s t -n t , pr -) - To put off doing something, especially out of habitual laziness

Procrastination, that’s something we all have done, at some point in our life, some more regularly than others. But me, I have filtered it down and refined it into an art form. Like the old adage goes, why do something today, that can be done tomorrow. Why?

It’s such a waste of effort and time to do things. You could spend your time more productively sleeping, eating, watching TV or just putting on weight. There are so many pleasures to be had, so why exert yourself? Man is a creature of habit, and I am especially so, and since bad habits are easier to pick up and maintain, I love them even more. They say “Ignorance is Bliss” but I believe laziness should be also included. What better bliss can be had?

I feel procrastination feeds into the Hedonistic philosophy of mine. Hedonism subscribes to the ideology "whatever causes pleasure is right” and I totally agree I must add. Why do something that causes pain and grief? Why not avoid the mundane and the boring chores of life? I say pleasure is the highest good. You can’t fight that philosophy can you? When you cant be perfect why try? Why put in the effort and fail? Avoid the pitfalls and the effort as well.

Among the different types of procrastinator, I am cast in the mould of “the relaxed, pleasure seeking procrastinator”. A self-indulgent procrastinator, who feels that gain, is not worth the pain. Denis Waitley hit the point when he said, “Procrastination is the fear of success... Because success is heavy, it carries a responsibility with it, it is much easier to procrastinate and live on the "someday I'll" philosophy”. How true.

When I look back at 27 years of what has been my life so far, I can see phases with insanely frenetic activities and similarly, phases with mind numbing inactivity. As I approach 30, not with great gusto I must add, I see myself as a lazy slob, with no clear aim and direction. A rudderless boat, floating downstream pulled hither and thither with no shore in sight. There is a saying by Henri Estienne which I think is apt “If youth but knew; if age but could”. Without knowing, I did a lot, and now when I know, I just don’t want to. The cruel irony doesn’t escape me, it stares me in the eye, it mocks me, defies me & denies me and worst of all, I can’t seem to do anything.

It’s been more than a year since I last posted a blog, all along blaming my busy schedule and lack of motivation to write. I have lost touch with numerous friends & family, due to my inability to email or call. I have lost my enthusiasm to achieve, work seems so laborious, in short I have lost my ability to enjoy the simple things in life. Or as my friend would say, I have lost my “MOJO”. I guess it’s the bane of my life, this inane habit, this self perfected art-form that has so innocuously taken control over me. My hedonistic habits never once led me to think I was procrastinating. In my eagerness to maximize short term gains I have lost my long term happiness.

This blog has been a Catharsis for me. I wanted to see in black and white the tragedy of my life. I wanted to see the irony, accept my fault and move on. But more importantly I wanted to write again. I wanted to cleanse my system and restart and write anything, something. It might appeal to most and appears disjointed at best, but I am happy to be writing. I am happy to be doing something other than procrastinating for once.

Self realization, it’s said, is half the battle won, so hopefully I am on the mend. I want more in life than just being a slob. I want do more than just procrastinate. They say “Seek and you shall find”, I am going to start my journey all over again.