What Will They “THINK” of Me?

This is a statement that drives most of us during our lifetime. But I have staunchly opposed this philosophy for a good part of my life. I fancied myself as a rebel, someone who controlled his destiny, someone who was not afraid to do things my way. But with age comes mortality, a limit to your otherwise unlimited thinking. Over the last few years I have fallen into the “think like the masses” trap. My actions, my views and my life have slowly but surely, started to revolve around “What will they “Think” of me?”

I wake up each morning with this image I have to live up to. My actions for the day, my thoughts and my behavior are all centered on one thing – being accepted. Ever patient, ever smiling and affable at all times, all just to belong, just to be part of a society. But in this run to be accepted, in this run to belong, I have forgotten the people that matter, my love ones, my friends and family. Why?? Because they are friends and family, hence they should know, they should understand my behavior, and after all, it’s only “family & friends” we will get over it. I have good and valid reasons for the way I behave so why can’t they accept it. And hey, I can’t be cheerful and affable at all times can I? I need to unwind and what better place than home, or with friends, where I can offload all my tragedies and know that they will support me.

But on my journey to be a well accepted social being, I have hurt my loved ones the most. Always making demands of them but never giving them anything and wondering why they are so stiff and un-understanding. Why is it that we hurt the people we love the most, those that matter the most to you and are the closest to you? Why? I have never found the answer.

The irony is that in my quest to please “society”, I constantly answer the “What will they “Think” of me?” question. But the answer is my interpretation of what I think the “society” wants and hence I behave in a pattern that suits. I hope you are following my logic here, because the way “I” act is based on “MY” interpretation of what “I” think the society expects from me. There is no truth, no logic and no proof as to what I am doing/behaving is exactly as I am expected to, and therein lays the tragedy of my life. In my eagerness to please everyone, I have stopped being myself, I have forgotten what my loved ones expect from me and I have forgotten as to what I want from myself.

A life so misguided, shambolic and rudderless that it’s driven by impressions, perceptions and interpretations of what I think it should be, not what I want it to be or what it should actually be. Always scared to break the mould, lest I be recognized and singled out, but not too happy in the cocoon I have surrounded myself with; such has been my story the last few years. Mine has been a life with no goals, ambitions or a sense of achievement.
This is not a gripe about my life, but a confession of a life gone awry but this is not redemption either. I have destroyed a thousand bridges with my family and friends and it will be an arduous task rebuilding them. Relationships that took me years to develop and painstakingly build, I have destroyed in a matter of months, all in a quest to live an “interpretation of the right life”. My inability to face my fear of rejection from the society has culminated in a life filled with hurting and paining my love ones.

Where is redemption I ask? What will set right the unforgivable mistakes of my life? What is done is done and I don’t want to dwell on the what-if scenarios. In my journey the last few years, I had forgotten the most important “They” in the equation. “They” being my loved ones, the only people that matter to me and they should be the ones I should think about and worry about and lead my life for.